Space?

When one comes to a point when someone is obviously is exasperated with somone what does one do? I felt it, had been feeling it in the last few encounters. Little snipes here, pointed texts there. I get it. I admit, I have been hanging around Bitter Pond for a while now. I get it. Oh, do I get it. I think everyone spends a little time there. Sometimes it's good to wallow. The wallowing can be cathartic. There comes a point when it crosses from cathartic to self indulgent and bothersome. I don't want to be bothersome, I have been trying not to be a burden but sometimes things need to purge. Is it space that is needed here? Too close now, pushing back is what is happening? I don't know. I'll just hang out in space for a while.

Here I am writing again. I am not a very consistent blogger. I have no excuse really except that my mind is constantly filled with what I need to be doing, second guessing the next shoe that drops and what the heck awaits me on my first day back to work after the weekend. Most of it I can't control, some of it yes. But really when you have a mind like mine where every second something comes to the surface and says "What about this?!!!", blogging is usually the first thing to get tossed back into the abyss. Of course then there's the braces for the kids, first cars, the new trumpet, what camp is # 2 going to go to this summer (# 1 is all set)and am I going to have time for a vacation for me? Geez. Sometimes the din is so loud I just shut down and watch HGTV which, of course, makes me feel even worse because there are all these people doing fantastic things to their homes and (crap, I really need to finish the detailing on my backsplash!)how do these people do this stuff? That is exactly the reason why I cancelled my subscription to Martha Stewart's magazine, guilt over not being able to have the time to do all the fabulous projects in there!
Yesterday I made big strides I called the plumber to come and fix my toilets(C-I know I should learn to fish to eat yada yada... but it's crazy in my head!)and I am now having a landscaper come to coax my yard back to life. I feel like I accomplished something after all, even though it was really just a couple of phone calls. Still now there is room for the blog guilt to get taken to task and put away. Hmmm, I do have to go to work tomorrow....oh lord the empty spaces are already getting filled! I need a brain secretary(excuse me, administrative assistant). Anyone up for the job!

Earning a Nervous Breakdown

Okay so here I am on a Friday night, nearly midnight at work. Why you ask? Well if you look back at my previous posts you will see that I spent some time in Oregon. I learned a lot, had a great time and made some friends. Now I am back in Phoenix and the work has begun. Crazy times. I am really one of those women on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It's funny because I read somewhere that a female celebrity called being in rehab a vacation. I think my new code name for vacation will be nervous breakdown. It sounds so much more interesting. Of course I am not allowed to have a nervous breakdown. What woman is? I am sure there are plenty of women who would appreciate a 30 day stay in a place where no children, boss, significant other or mops can touch you. Not to mention the sedation. Ahhh heaven. A massage is great so is a pedicure but a complete check out in the loony bin I think would be the best. Wouldn't even have to worry about what you look like. Can just wear a robe and slippers all day every day. Now that's a vacation!

Can I come home?

I am home today. I have been traveling back and forth for the last 3 weeks between Portland and Phoenix. I am intimate with the TSA agents at both airports, I know the cleaning ladies in the bathrooms there and the Starbucks folks say "hey" everytime I come in for my venti skim latte-iced. It used to be I was jealous of the traveling folks who did it on a regular basis. I now understand completely why people get burned out. I am toast at this point. I miss my family-that goes with out saying, I miss my friends just as much. Being able to call up and get together on a whim I miss, chatting with the neighbors and having impromptu gatherings. I really want to come back and stay for good.

It's my birthday!

Well here it is the big day. Not so excited about it nowadays. Since this is one of the last remaining birthdays beginning with a 4# it's a little scarier I must admit. I began to think back on birthdays past, my cavalier attitude towards turning 30 and 40. I know quite a few women who were quite nervous, freaked out about those ages and I could never understand why. Here I am looking at 50 and now I get it. Of course I am getting ahead of myself now but still 50?! Where did all the years go? It seems just like yesterday I was celebrating my Mother's 50th birthday-it can't be my turn! No fair! I am not my mother's age!

Today is my birthday, will spend time with my sons, sister and some of my friends and be thankful for all I have and how far I've come. I am not going to worry today about tomorrow. Happy Birthday Erika!

I get a comunication from my friend(DF-Darling Friend) yesterday-one sentence, "You need to update your blog, Ms.". So here I am. I admit I have been lax on this. I figured no one was reading this except for myself. I was wrong. When I noticed on DF's blog she actually had a link to mine. Then I got scared. Other people could and probably were reading it. Wow. DF found it on her own, I think because I don't remember telling anyone about it. That means someone will actually be able to post their opinion about my sometimes too insightful ramblings. I am not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand I feel very empowered and la di dah about it. On the other hand, I feel like I did when I was 16 and my creative writing teacher read my creations to the class. I would look around to make sure everyone was listening and not pointing to their heads and making the crazy sign. So now I am on the hook. I will put more out there since I know at least one person is interested in what I have to say. I will have to be more diligent about my posts. Thanks, Darling Friend, for kicking me into response. I promise to do better.

History of My Independence

I have been hanging out with all sorts of women in recent years and I love them all. They have made me who I am. It all started with my mother. She came to her thirties during some of the most transitional times for women-the early seventies. She gladly would have burned her bra if she did not need the support so much. From her example I learned that women can do what ever they like and that they could still be feminine too. She also showed me what is worth fighting for and that I can take care of myself. The only problem is I now have a hard time asking for and accepting help from people because of this.

Then there was Debbie who taught me to be open to new experiences at the drop of a hat. While I did get into trouble with this a few times (another blog folks!) I showed me that running to a schedule is not always fun and some time the trouble one gets into is worth it for the laughing at later.

Joan was another independent lady that I rented a room from for a short while. She showed me that being older and unmarried was not a bad thing contrary to popular belief. She dated who she wanted to when she wanted to and that staying in with the telly and cup of tea was good.

Katherine now here was a gal that I will put in the human bumper car category. i was always amazed when she bumped into "NO" she moved away and around it. She never let adversity get her down for too long. She only wallowed one time that I recall in our time together and that was fully justified. When she finally recovered she was more determined than ever not to repeat her mistakes. It really took a big bump to get to her.

These are only a few and I will probably have to part two this post but it's a start on the History of My Independence.